Rob Long on Al-Zarkawi

Rob Long writes a column for National Review. Here is his recent take on Al-Zarkawi's initiation into "Paradise".

ROB LONG
WELCOME TO YOUR AFTERLIFE!

Q: Why am I here exactly?

A: You are here because your work leading al-Qaeda forces in Iraq and your commitment to violent acts of terrorism encountered what we in the trade call “push back” from U.S.-led forces based in Iraq, which in turn led to the dropping of two 500-pound bombs on your “safe house” resulting in your death, and subsequent appearance here, in our Facility.

Q: You’re telling me that the infidel invaders actually got me?

A: We here in the Facility try not to use loaded, judgmental terms. Yes, you were “gotten,” but try, if you can, to shed yourself of the prejudices and categories of your past. Your time here in the Facility will be a lot more enjoyable and life-transforming if you enter into the spirit of open, loving, and all-embracing inquiry.

Q: I didn’t think that heaven was going to be like this.

A: Why don’t we table that one for a moment, if you don’t mind. Are there any other questions?

Q: Okay, I’ve got one. From here, can I see the future?

A: We get that all the time. No, you can’t see the “future,” as you put it. From our perspective, and it’s one that we STRONGLY ENCOURAGE you to adopt, there is no quote unquote future to see. As you become more acclimatized to the Facility, you’ll realize that we live here entirely in the present, allowing us to enjoy and savor each moment.

Q: This sounds a little, I don’t know, loosey-goosey.

A: Thank you!

Q: I guess I expected more pageantry, more heavenly majesty, or something.

A: Are you sure you’re not Catholic? Just kidding! No, but seriously, we try to match the Facility that you experience as closely as we can to the person you once were, but we’re also experimenting with this more austere approach, of the simple, classic waiting room with clean lines and a more Scandinavian design sense. It’s true that some people are expecting a more, I don’t know, Cirque du Soleil-ish type atmosphere, but we here in the Facility have done a great deal of research — we’ve surveyed our members and done focus groups of some key demos — and we feel that the efficiency and simplicity of this system is well worth the temporary letdown you’re feeling.

Q: Where do I go from here?

A: Once your questions are answered, you simply follow the blazing red line along the stone path until you’re greeted by our concierge, who will escort you through the premises and familiarize you with the various offerings of the Facility. Please feel free to ask any additional questions during your tour.

Q: I still can’t believe that I’m dead. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up.

A: This is a perfectly normal reaction to being killed. But we here in the Facility RECOMMEND STRONGLY that you begin to accept the fact that you are dead — absolutely and incontrovertibly — and that you will be here for eternity.

Q: What about my fallen comrades? Will I be able to see them again?

A: Undoubtedly. You will see many of them on your tour, as you pass the Lake of Fire.

Q: Lake of Fire?

A: I mean, the swimming pool.

Q: If you meant “swimming pool,” why did you say “Lake of Fire”?

A: Look, we’re running out of time. There are a lot of people left to deal with. See that line behind you? Are there any other questions I can help you with?

Q: Oh, yeah. One last one. Where are the 72 virgins?

A: Your question no doubt refers to the belief of some people that their faithful devotion will be rewarded in Paradise by the presentation of 72 virgin girls for their sexual delight.

Q: So where are they?

A: You’re not, strictly speaking, in Paradise.

Q: So no sexual delight?

A: On the contrary. There will be an unceasing, unending eternity of sexual delight, with the part of the 72 virgins played by you. The part you expected to play will be played, instead, by an enormous horned demon.

Q: Wait. There must be some mistake. Can I please speak to the —

A: Sorry. We’re out of time. Please move along. Next!