Headlines from the year 2029!

Our correspondent on the Left Coast secured this piece of vital intelligence which we pass along for your information.

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
• White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
• Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
• Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
• France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
• 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
• Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

(For those of you who are curious about our anonymous correspondent, he dreamed of going to Iraq as an embedded reporter in order to report on angry and hostile anti-US militants. His wife put an end to those dreams of glory, but he has found much the same environment in California and surreptitously files his dispatches from there. :-)